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Seems to me, it aint the world that's so bad but what we're doin' to it. And all I'm saying is, see, what a wonderful world it would be if only we'd give it a chance. Love baby, love. That's the secret, yeah. If lots more of us loved each other, we'd solve lots more problems. And then this world would be better.

~Louis Armstrong
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Apr. 1st, 2008 @ 07:24 pm losing weight
So, I found my inspiration for losing weight...since I've been needing inspiration for some time now.

This is a picture I took of a picture of me (I don't have a scanner) 75 pounds ago. I want to lose about 15 pounds in addiction to the 75 pounds...so about 90 pounds total. My main goal for this is wanting to break below 200 pounds for the first time in well over a decade...but still...here is my inspiration in poor quality and horribly bright due to flash.

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Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 01:36 pm advice
ok everyone, I am up for any advice people can dish out...I need help sleeping. I am 100% exhausted, but can't seem to get comfortable or shut my mind off enough to actually fall asleep. Because a lot of it is back induced, I have tried body pillows, surrounding myself in pillows in general, laying in every position imaginable, sitting up, drinking milk, meditating to calm my mind, listening to soothing music...nothing seems to work. I'm trying to avoid pain killers (at the advice of my midwife), particularly because all we have around the apartment right now is excedrin...and tylenol doesn't work for me. I've tried watching movies, an age old remedy for me, but I just find myself getting bored during them. I packed a bunch in an attempt to wear myself out, and while I'm worn out, I can't seem to actually fall asleep. *sigh*
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Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 11:46 am two hours later
Well, I got six more boxes packed (I packed a box of your books, Murph, but Nigel now informs me that some may not be yours, so I guess that was pointless...), a couple garbage bags filled and a little more space made for boxes. I don't think we're going to be able to move all of our stuff in a cargo van, we'll probably have to rent a moving truck...just a small one, but one nonetheless. I pulled my back out in the process of lifting and situating boxes, plus I'm exhausted, so I'm going to let myself rest a bit. The computer room is still quite messy (mostly from a need to be finished packing and vaccuumed), but I'll try to get more done today. Right now though, rest.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 09:37 am good morning to the world
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Yanni
I slept on and off during the night last night, but kept waking up with back pain or neck pain or bladder annoyances. I feel like I slept maybe a full hour of restful sleep (ha, I jinxed myself with the last post), and the rest of it just contributed to a huge tension headache that I am dealing with this morning. If it were up to me, I'd be back in bed right now...maybe put some icy hot on my neck and shoulder and wish I had a heating pad again. However, there is packing and cleaning and much of it to be done today. I have fallen so far behind that I'm horridly overwhelmed at this point. I have this much to say...if garbage isn't taken down before the boys get home, I think I'm requesting assistance. I'm not stopping midway to take individual garbage bags down, and I'm throwing a lot out today. And I mean A LOT! I need to clean the refrigerator out, figure out what food we actually need, clean the computer room, hopefully finish packing Nigel's corner, maybe hit the closet in the living room. UGH!

Lets see how much I get done before the lack of sleep takes over, shall we?
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Aug. 10th, 2006 @ 07:24 pm well
Mentally, I have begun feeling better, although its still hard to get myself started on things during the day. I'm noticing that my nightmares have quieted down significantly, and my dreams are becoming more and more retainable. I've also been sleeping deeper than I have in quite awhile and I don't wake as often to go to the bathroom. However, the baby has gained a liking for kicking my bladder when I'm laying down, and my gall bladder when I'm sitting up. lol

My mind has been working overtime lately, both in sleep and while awake. A lot of the time, I let the thoughts flow and don't really hold onto them for very long...I've become so accustomed to having my mind flooded with thoughts that I learn to ignore them I guess...Probably not the greatest thing on earth, but that's what I get for not journalling as much as I once did.

There are many things that I have been slacking on during the last year to year and a half...things that I believe play a large part in my happiness and my ability to deal with my depressions. These are things that I really need to start focusing on before the baby is born, so that they are habitual by the time my baby enters the world.

( cut for the length of my thoughts )
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Aug. 10th, 2006 @ 10:02 am craving chocolate
I started having a severe craving for chocolate last night. In particular, for a chocolate milkshake (or oreo milkshake) with lots of whipped cream. I dreamed about it, I woke up thinking about it, I paced around the kitchen trying to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING chocolate...

No such luck. *sigh*

*pace*
*pace*
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Aug. 8th, 2006 @ 08:07 pm (no subject)
Lately, i've been noticing an increase in fatigue...I wake up with Nigel in the mornings, and by 4:00 I have to take a nap...or at least lay down. Today, I fought off the urge to nap, in exchange for packing and figuring things out. Now, I'm completely exhausted with an exhaustion headache...Go figure...
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Aug. 8th, 2006 @ 03:09 pm packing
Ok, so I have been slacking on getting the packing done, but now I have to hit it hardcore. Today, I started with the living room...I'm packing the things I know are being kept, sorting out the things I don't know about (whether if its being kept or whose it is), and throwing away the things that are garbage. So far, in two hours, I have only gotten three boxes packed, but I also tore down the DVD stand so I have a wall to put boxes against. I'm hoping to have at least the majority of the living room taken care of by the end of day, and hopefully, the majority of the packing done by the end of this upcoming weekend.

This weekend will be nice, because Nigel will be home to help me a bit more, so it should go a bit quicker. *crosses fingers* But, its time to throw things out, so I need help figuring out what needs to stay and what can go...I'd rather not have a shit ton of furniture on the curb at the end of the month...

Oh, and I have to locate the title to my car so I can send it off with the center for the blind...
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Aug. 7th, 2006 @ 09:12 pm (no subject)
And once again, my livejournal isn't recognizing people's journal entries...*sigh*
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Aug. 7th, 2006 @ 01:16 pm (no subject)
So, I was reading through the casting list for "My Super Ex-Girlfriend", and discovered that Eddie Izzard is in it...

Yay! Now I definitely have to see it...
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Aug. 4th, 2006 @ 06:59 pm *sigh*
Current Mood: lonely
I'm lonely.

All day, every day, I spend hours alone in this fucking apartment. It really gets on my nerves somedays...sometimes I need to be around people, I need to not be alone. I guess it keeps me in contact with my family, because I call them regularly.

I'm frustrated today because I don't want to be lonely every day for hours on end. It leads to me sleeping more, eating less, and just losing myself in loneliness.

Perhaps that'll be one benefit of the move. At least there'll be people around.
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Aug. 3rd, 2006 @ 10:25 pm i discovered my weakness
Current Location: bedroom in the a/c
Current Mood: sick
Wanna get me sick while pregnant right now??

Take me out of the A/C and into the heat...it makes my stomach so sick I'll spend the next 12 hours in the bathroom. However, its reassuring to know that I'm hydrated enough to sweat more than I have ever sweat in my life. Mix that with about 20 mosquito bites in under an hour, the majority of which are on my left leg, and you have a very unhappy and sick pregnant woman. So I came home early, have free reign to the bathroom and am camping out in the A/C for the rest of the night. Honestly, I kinda feel like crashing.

As for camping this weekend...unless its suppose to be significantly cooler, I think I am backing out. The last thing in the world I want to do is be stuck in some nasty old park latrine all weekend. *sigh* I was really looking forward to going too.
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Aug. 1st, 2006 @ 01:36 pm bleh
Exhausted today beyond measure, although the stomach cramping is almost completely gone. I've been drinking gatorade and water, trying to keep myself hydrated...I'm gonna eat something, and then I think I'm probably crashing for the majority of the day...Wake up this evening perhaps. Whatever bug this is, Its not in any means fun. Rather annoying actually, considering I have a new book that I want to finish reading and I can't seem to keep my eyes focused on it. *sigh*

So, food it is, and then sleep. Nigel, let me know what's going on tonight if anything. I'll try to keep the phone next to me once I get into bed.
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Aug. 1st, 2006 @ 10:13 am pregnancy scare
So I went out into the heat of yesterday to do a bit of shopping. I started feeling nauseous early in the evening, and the nausea continued so that I could not down a bite of supper. I could barely drink anything. By 10:00 last night, my lower back had a chronic ache, and I was having major cramping in my stomach that came and went...We were all sitting outside, and it was hot out, but I was beginning to get chills and feel really out of it. Normally, this is something I would completely ignore and just let it ride until morning, but last time I felt like this I was severely dehydrated to the point of passing out. My mind told me that I should seek professional advice, so I tried calling the doctor, but they simply said that if it was an emergency to call 911...I wasn't sure if it was an emergency, but I didn't want to endanger the baby if I was dehydrated, or if the aches and cramps turned out to be something worse.

We went to the emergency room and got in around 11:45 last night (thank you [info]gleef. They were extremely busy, so they sent me up to labor and delivery, where the doctors listened to the baby and did all of the tests that they needed to get done. The test results aren't back yet, but the main one they are concerned about is something called fetal fibronectin. She said the baby sounded fine (the entire time they tried to get a heart rate, she shifted and continued to kick into the monitor), but that I should rest and avoid going outside during the heat wave.

I came home and crashed next to Nigel and my new body pillow (which does wonders for my back)...woke up this morning with the stomach flu. I suppose I might have recognized it earlier, except I quite literally haven't had the flu in 10 years. I'm hoping its a 24 hour bug because then it should pass by the end of the day. Until then, I have a cooler full of water and gatorade...I bought myself lots of gatorade yesterday because I dehydrate incredibly quickly. Another tidbit the doctor told me is that I should be drinking a very minimum of 160 ounces of water a day. So, I have a dasani bottle, and I will be literally peeing every 10 minutes for the rest of the pregnancy...

Still, I'm extremely relieved that this is just the stomach flu. I was really really scared last night, particularly with the cramping and the chills.
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Jul. 29th, 2006 @ 09:21 pm (no subject)
Ok, we now have an amazon baby registry back up and running...if I can get the link to work...

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/registry.html/104-9563798-3823152?ie=UTF8&type=baby&id=2KAUKQ9Z5YZK6

Let me know...
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Jul. 26th, 2006 @ 04:46 pm DR APPT
So, went to the doctor today for my prenatal appointment as well as for the second ultrasound. Here's what we found out:

My blood pressure is 118/80, no protein or sugar in my urine, I lost a pound and a half in the last four weeks.

They prescribed me 25 mg of Zoloft for my depression, which is also covered by our discount through St. Peters.

And the baby is perfectly healthy. Bones are all forming correctly, there are no boy parts that he saw (which means she's a girl...well, they're mostly certain), she is in the 47th percentile for weight and weighs 1 pound 5 ounces.

*breathe*

Next appointment is in three weeks for glucose screening and testing the iron levels in my blood. Or something like that...
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Jul. 25th, 2006 @ 08:39 pm (no subject)
I'm feeling really insecure today. I'm beginning to feel the weight of pregnancy, and while I know that its weight that I will lose, I am still beginning to feel extra heavy. Not to mention the appearance of stretch marks, the fact that my feet have begun to swell, and my skin is dry. Oh, and the weight from my stomach is having an increasingly negative affect on my back. SEVERE back pains...not like my back is dislocated, but more like muscle pains...like I'm lifting something that's too heavy but I can't put it down. The entire left side of my back is still affected today, although after much rest and applied heat, the pain has gone down a little from yesterday.

Oh, and I'm an emotional wreck about almost anything, dead tired and cranky. Even when I'm trying to control the crankiness, it seems to slip out. Many people bug me, and those who generally only bug me a little are beginning to bug me a lot. About stupid things. I don't want jokes made in my direction right now, I can't seem to handle them properly. Irritable people should stay away from me, because I am irritated by the irritable...if that makes any sense. But then again, I am irritable, so I'm always stuck with it...*sigh*

And I'm stressed. I'm stressed about things I don't feel like writing about at the moment, I am stressed about the move (incredibly incredibly incredibly stressed about packing...I'm so frustrated about it, that I barely know where to start), I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm personally attacking myself like crazy. And when I try to stop, I attack myself because I can't seem to. If that makes sense. I feel like I'm walking in a circle.

Tomorrow, I talk to the doctor about anti-depressants...or something that may be useful for treating the depression that I'm in. I have gotten to the point that I don't want to be around anybody, but I need the reassurance that people are there. I feel like sleeping all day, not because I'm tired but because I'm overwhelmed and feel like crying 24/7.

Yeah...bleck.
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Jul. 25th, 2006 @ 03:02 pm (no subject)
ARGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Ok, you know what? I'm dead for the day. If you have a problem with it, fuck off.
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Jul. 24th, 2006 @ 07:33 pm eck
Back pain, back pain and more back pain.

I managed to (I think) pull a muscle in my left side...it goes straight down from my neck to my ass. Needless to say, its fairly annoying, particularly when there's so much to get done.

Still, thus far, I have gotten 3 boxes of books packed today, but I need to get more of the smaller boxes since books tend to be a bit heavy. *sigh* Next goal is to finish the bedroom, which I want to at least get partially started on today.

Total boxes packed thus far: 6. Doesn't seem like a lot unless you're packing them. Doesn't help that I don't know what we're keeping and what we're getting rid of.

*sigh*

I'm at least taking a break until the excedrin kicks in. I feel like I'm gonna cry.
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Jul. 20th, 2006 @ 10:40 pm THE NIGHTMARE FROM LAST NIGHT
I don't remember much of it clearly, but what I do remember, I want to write down.

I was in bed with Nigel, laying in the exact position that I was laying in when I woke up. In the dream, I woke up to see some sort of presence that I can't identify except to say that it filled the room. I tried to advert my gaze like I would if I were startled by something else, but everywhere I looked, it was there. I had a deep sense that Nigel and the baby were both in danger, and when Nigel woke up, he kept telling me everything was ok. (this happened in both real life and in the dream) He wouldn't believe me that anything was wrong and so I started screaming at the top of my lungs in an attempt to wake Murphy up. Even in half wakefulness, I could feel whatever it was that was haunting my dream, so with Nigel trying to comfort me I screamed and screamed until the pain of my heart racing woke me up completely. I snuggled into Nigel so tightly, and for the rest of the night slept with the light on.

Upon further conversation today, Nigel caught a glimpse of whatever I was dreaming about...which is what woke him up.

I've concluded that eating strawberries before bed is something that I'm no longer doing. Even if they didn't have anything to do with it, I'd rather not have a nightmare that severe again.
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